Star Wars, Election '08
by Anime-StarWars-fan-zach
Summary: A parody of our own 2008 elections in America. Staring Anakin Skywalker as Barack Obama, Count Dooku as John McCain, and Mon Mothma as Hilary Clinton.


**The idea for this fic just came to me, and I decided it just had to be written. Hope you all like it. And by the way, Vader/Anakin in this fic is suitless.**

_Announcer:_ Hello sentients, and welcome! Here today we are going to have the top three candidates from each of the three parties debating, and telling us why we should vote for them as the next Supreme Chancellor for the New Republic before the voting begins tomorrow!

On the podium to the left, we have Lord Anakin Vader and his running mate Lord Darth Maul, running for the Imperial party! On the podium to the middle, we have Senator Mon Mothma and her partner Padme Amidala, running for the Alliance party! And last but certainly not least, we have Count Yun Dooku and General Grievous running for the Separatist party!

Now, here are the rules for the debate:

1: Don't do a lot of mud-slinging. (Figuratively speaking.)

2: Try to stay on topic.

3: Don't break out into fights or Yo Mamma battles.

4: Don't kill each other.

Now, let's begin the debate.

_Announcer: _First talking point, this one goes to Lord Vader.Lord Vader, I understand your middle name is Bin-Laden. How will this affect your policies concerning the planet of Earth, which we are currently watching?

_Vader:_ I'm glad you asked that. My middle name is just that, my middle name. It means nothing. I will change nothing regarding our current policies of Earth. We should continue to watch and wait for the right moment to introduce them to the New Republic.

_Announcer:_ But what about the rumors of you wanting to invade and conquer the planet?

_Vader:_ Nothing but false rumors, I assure you. Why would I have reason to lie about such an important matter? _(Flashes smile)_

_(Several female members of the audience faint)_

_Mothma:_ Maybe because you're trying to trick everyone into thinking you're not evil?

_Vader:_ Maybe _you're_ the one who's doing that?

_Mothma:_ I dare you to say that again, you _(censored)_. (Pulls out blaster.)

_Vader:_ _(Ignites lightsaber)_ That's it, you're going down, _(censored)_!

_Announcer:_ Put that lightsaber away, Lord Vader!! And you, Senator Mothma, stop provoking him and put away your blaster!!

_(Both candidates glare at him.)_

_Announcer:_ Do you _want_ me to call security?

_(Five Rancors enter, looking very, very hungry.)_

_Vader & Mothma:_ ...

_(Vader puts away his lightsaber, and Mothma slips her blaster back into its concealed holster. They glare at each other for a moment.)_

_Announcer:_ Good, I thought not. Now, next question. This one comes from Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.

_Luke:_ General Grievous, what is your policy toward Force users?

_Grievous:_ _(Cough, cough)_ We will obliterate them!

_Luke:_ What of Dooku?

_Grievous: (Cough, cough)_ Excuse me?

_Luke:_ Count Dooku is a Force user, too. Will you obliterate him as well?

_Grievous:_ ...no comment.

_Luke:_ Are you—

_Grievous:_ I SAID NO _(censored) _COMMENT!! DON'T MAKE ME RAM MY LIGHTSABER UP YOUR _(censored)_!!

_Announcer:_ General Grievous, that's enough! Another outburst like that and I'll call security!

_(The Rancors look at Grievous, drooling.)_

_Grievous:_ ...That will not be necessary...

_Announcer:_ Good. Now, we're going to take a small break. Now let's hear a word from our sponsors.

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_Word of Sponsors:_ He's young.

He's handsome.

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He's a hero.

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This message has been approved of by Lord Vader, Lord Maul, and over half of the females in the galaxy.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Announcer:_ And, we're back. Now that we've let the candidates have some time to cool down, we can get right back to the debate.

_Announcer:_ This question comes from Mara Jade, current leader of the NRD (New Republic Defenses).

_Mara:_ Count Dooku, I understand you are considerably older than the other candidates, and the Force takes a heavy toll on you. Will this affect your ability to be decisive in any way, and what do you think will happen if you die?

_Dooku:_ I assure you, my resolve has never been stronger. Even though I may be old, I am still very powerful in the Force. If I do die, my Vice-Chancellor General Grievous shall take over for me. He is a great military leader, and great in combat. He would make a fine Chancellor should I ever die, which I will not.

_Announcer:_ Ok. This next question is from Commander Cody from the GAR(Grand Army of the Republic).

_Cody:_ This is for all of the candidates. What will you do about current health situations for clone soldiers?

_Mothma:_ I shall improve your health conditions greatly. I will try my hardest to find a cure for your fast aging, and will allow retirement for any clones who wish to do so. If I am elected Chancellor, the clones shall have a brighter future.

_Dooku:_ I could care less about the clones. Once I am elected, I shall replace all clone troopers with battle droids.

_Vader:_ I will do everything that Mothma said she would do, and more. I will make sure that any clones who retire are able to find a home, and are able to get jobs.

_Announcer:_ This question comes from Alien Rights activist, Chewbacca. Since he is a Wookie, we will have translators translate for us.

_Chewie:_ Lord Vader, what have you to say about your controversial mentor, former Chancellor Palpatine?

_Vader:_ What do you mean controversial? What could he possibly say that's controversial?

_Chewie:_ And I quote, "Non-humans are the scum of the universe. They should be treated as slaves." And, "The Jedi Order needs to be eliminated. They are the greatest evil in the universe. All Jedi must be killed." There are many more.

_Vader:_...next question.

_Chewie:_ But—

_Vader:_ I SAID NEXT QUESTION, DAMN IT!!

_Mothma:_ Now, why are you so touchy on this issue, I wonder? Could it be that you support his racist views?

_Vader:_ Oh, like _you're_ one to talk. You and your husband were the racist ones, in my opinion! Your husband barely did anything to contribute to the alien community.

_Mothma:_ We _did_ con—

_Vader:_ Don't give me any of that crap. Besides, my mentor was only expressing his opinion. He is far from a racist.

_Mothma:_ He is abusing his free speech rights! I'm surprised you haven't disowned him by now!

_Vader:_ I could no more disown him more than I could disown my mother. He is like the father I never had.

_Mothma:_ Speaking of your father, _where_ is he, by the way? And don't give me _(censored) _any about you not having a father! I wouldn't be surprised if your father was the owner of PlayThing holozines.

_Vader: (Whips out his lightsaber)_ Why you dirty little _(censored)_!! Take that back, or I'll make you!

_Mothma: (Gets blaster again)_ Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try it.

_Vader:_ With ple—

_Announcer:_ ENOUGH! One more word and you both are Rancor food!

_(The Rancors get closer to the stage)_

_Mothma & Vader_: ...

_Announcer:_ Ok, let's take another break...

XXXXXXXXXXXX

_Word from Sponsors:_ She's a good person.

"_I will do whatever I can to diminish poverty. I will set up programs for all the poor, and make sure they get food."_

She has experience.

"_I've been serving for the Senate for at least fifteen years."_

She has previous experience in the Chancellery.

"_My husband and I made our decisions together."_

She is the galaxy's last hope.

She is Senator Mon Mothma, the next Chancellor of the galaxy.

And remember, many Bothans died to give you this message.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Announcer:_ Ok, the commercial is over. Back to the debate, which I really hope ends soon...

_Announcer:_ This question comes from fellow Senator Leia Skywalker:

_Leia:_ Ms. Mothma, in the past your husband, former Chancellor Bail Organa Mothma, has had an affair. How has this affected your campaign?

_Mothma:_ It hasn't affected it in the slightest. I know my husband has made mistakes in the past before, but he regrets them as much as I do now. I know that his mistakes haven't affected my campaign in the slightest.

_Vader:_ I wonder if you would have left him had the woman been a Twi'liek?

_Announcer:_ Lord Vader, that was uncalled for! Besides, that wasn't your question. Are you done Senator?

_Mothma:_ _(Glares at Vader)_ Yes, yes I am.

_Announcer:_ Good. This next question is for all the candidates. What will you do to reduce crime?

_Mothma:_ An excellent question. We need to teach our children—and our adults—that crime _is_ bad. We need to set up reform centers to put our criminals in, instead of punishing them. That way we can reduce crime greatly.

_Dooku:_ Crime will become virtually non-existent in my reign. All criminals will be put to death.

_Mothma:_ Even minor criminals?

_Dooku:_ Yes, even minor criminals. All criminals deserve to die.

_Mothma:_ You can't be serious! That is no way to put down crime!

_Dooku:_ But it will reduce it greatly, you have to admit that.

_Mothma:_ Yes, it will, but—

_Dooku:_ Oh shut up, you old hag.

_Mothma:_ Who are you calling old? You've probably been here since the Republic was founded.

_Dooku:_ And you've been here even before blasters were invented.

_Mothma:_ Why, you—

_Announcer:_ SILENCE! If I get one more outburst in the next few minutes, all of you here will become the Rancor's dinner!!

_Announcer:_ Now...Lord Vader, your response?

_Vader:_ Crime will not be an issue during my Chancellery. Through a combination of reform, jail, and death (cough) mostly death (cough cough) I will eliminate crime.

_Announcer:_ This question is from the Smuggler's Guild. They ask all the candidates what their stance on smugglers will be.

_Dooku:_ Smugglers are just a different type of criminals. They will be put to death as well.

_Mothma:_ While I do not like smugglers, I do believe that some of them are good at heart, such as smugglers who smuggle in supplies and food for people who really need them, like in disaster or war-torn areas. I will enforce current smuggling laws, but will not make it an issue in my term.

_Vader:_ I will do a mixture of what Count Dooku and Mothma plan to do.

_Announcer:_ Very well. Next question. This question is for the running mates of the candidates. Why do you support the person you are running for office with?

_Maul:_ Lord Vader is powerful, thus I decided to support him. Not to mention Lord Sid—I mean, my mentor Palpatine suggested I do it.

_General Grievous:_ _(cough cough)_ Count Dooku is an honorable man. I respect him for having served in the controversial Clone Wars—

_Mothma:_ He severed on the side against the Republic!

_Grievous:_ —and I think he is the best person to rule this galaxy. Not to mention he'll let me exterminate the Jedi...

_Announcer:_ What was that last part, General Grievous?

_Grievous:_ Nothing, nothing at all.

_Announcer:_ Right, right...Senator Amidala?

_Padmé:_ I believed that my friend Senator Mon Mothma was the best choice out of the other two candidates for the Chancellery. She has had plenty of experience, unlike Lord Vader, and wasn't a former terrorist, unlike Count Dooku.

_Dooku:_ I object!

_Vader:_ So do I!

_Announcer:_ Overruled. Continue.

_Padmé:_ Thank you. Not to mention it has been over 200 years since we had the last female Chancellor, so it's about time we had a change. Senator Mothma is what we need in office. We don't need a former terrorist ruling over us, and we certainly don't need a suspicious, quick-to-anger, and possible racist person ruling over us. That is why I support Mon Mothma.

_Vader:_ I am not a racist, a suspicious person, or a quick-to-anger type of guy!

_Padmé:_ You just proved my second point...

_Vader:_ You are a fool to support Mothma!

_Padmé:_ And you are nothing but a nerf-herder who is a racist!

_Vader_: You're a weakling and support weak ideology!

_Padmé:_ You're nothing but a brute who would rule this galaxy with an iron fist! You probably would crown yourself Emperor and stop all future elections!

_Vader:_ That's not a bad idea...I mean...No, I wouldn't! Mothma's the one who would do that!

_Padmé:_ She'd never do such a thing. Right, Mothma?

_Mothma:_ Ah...right!

_Vader:_ See, she didn't answer at first!

_Padmé:_ I hate you.

_Vader:_ I hate you more!

_(They glare intensely, rush at each other and—start making out...)_

_(They break the kiss)_

_Padmé:_ I still hate you.

_Vader:_ I still hate you more.

_(They resume making out)_

_Mothma:_ Padmé, stop it! He's the enemy!

_Maul:_ Lord Vader, Lord Sid—I mean, Master Palpatine would not approve. She is your opponent.

_Announcer_: Oi, why did I even come here today...? _(Sigh)_...we'll be back after this commercial...

_(Vader and Padme continue to make out, Maul and Mothma try to pull them away from each other, and Dooku and Grievous just stare at it all...)_

_Dooku:_ Why even bother fighting with them when they can tear each other apart?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

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_Announcer:_ —FOR THE LOVE OF THE FORCE, SOMEONE GET THOSE RANCOR TRAN—huh? We're back? I mean...welcome back! While we were gone, we had a slight problem—

_Mothma:_ _Slight_? Do you call your Rancors attacking us out of hunger a _slight_ problem? We could have been killed!

_Annoucner:_ Oh shut up you whiny _(censored)_. Be thankful you're alive at all.

_Announcer:_ Anyway, back to the questions. This is from Jedi Master Mace Windu.

_Mace:_ What are your stances on Jedi?

_Dooku:_ I could care less about the Jedi Order, personally.

_Grievous:_ All Jedi must die!

_Vader:_ For me, that is a little bit of a difficult matter. While I do respect the Jedi for having protected the Republic for so long, I do think it's time that the Jedi Order be disbanded cough cough and destroyed cough cough. We could probably replace them with...oh, I don't know...maybe the Sith?

_Mothma:_ Is that because you are a Sith yourself?

_Vader:_ Oh, I thought _you _were a Sith.

_Announcer:_ If this leads to one more fight, I'll have the Rancors waken up and have them eat you! Now settle down!

_Announcer:_ Anyway...Lord Maul?

_Maul:_ I agree with everything that Lord Vader says.

_Mothma:_ The Jedi are our defenders against the evil forces at work in the galaxy. _(Looks at Vader and Dooku for a moment)_ We should allow the Order to continue to grow.

_Padmé:_ What she said.

_Announcer_: Here's the next question. What are your feelings on galactic overpopulation? Should we consider extragalactic exploration as a possible answer?

_Dooku:_ NO! THAT WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING! Uh, I mean..._(speaks with Yuuzhan Vong advisor)_ There is still plenty of space left in this galaxy, and why should we face unknown dangers in extragalactic exploration? We should definitely not explore outside of our galaxy or in the Unknown Regions.

_Vader: (Stares at Dooku for a minute)_ Why should we waste valuable credits exploring outside our galaxy, when we still have a lot of room left? For once I agree with Count Dooku.

_Mothma:_ Well, I am happy to say that this is a topic we can all agree on. There is currently no—

_Vader:_ All agree on? In that case, I think we _should_ explore outside of our galaxy.

_Dooku:_ No, that is a terrible idea!

_Mothma_: While I do think this is unnecessary, I find myself wondering why you Mr. Dooku, are so vehemently opposed to this idea...

_Dooku:_ Do you have to scrutinize every damn thing I do and say? Can't you give me a break for once? You know, I'd like to investigate myself your...ah...so called..._business_ meetings with...ah..._Padmé Amidala!_

_Padmé & Mothma:_ What?!

_Mothma:_ For Force's sake, she's my VC!

_Dooku:_ I must have hit a mark to get you so riled up...

_Mothma:_ This is a disgrace!

_Dooku:_ Not as disgraceful as your husband!

_Announcer:_ ENOUGH!! IF I GET ONE MORE WORD, AND I MEAN ONE MORE WORD, OUT OF ANY OF YOU, I'LL HAVE YOU ALL THROWN IN A CELL WITH BARNEY! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

_Everyone else:_ ...

_Announcer:_ Good. Now, next question. What about slavery? We still know it exists in this galaxy. What are your opinions on this vile practice?

_Vader:_ Having been a slave before, I know it is a very vile practice and we should crack down on it most definitely. All supporters of slavery and slavers will be sentenced to death.

_Mothma:_ I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with Lord Vader, except for the part about all slavers and supporters of slavery being killed.

_Dooku: (Talks with Vong advisor again)_ I will make slavery legal.

_Mothma:_ How can you violate the rights of so many people?

_Dooku:_ I couldn't care less about what other people think. Besides, I happen to own slaves myself.

_Mothma:_ Do you hear that? Everyone who doesn't support slavery should definitely not vote for this man!

_Announcer:_ What would you do exactly, Ms. Mothma, to battle slavery?

_Mothma:_ IMHO—

_Vader:_ So you finally admit you are indeed a ho?

_Mothma:_ _What?!_ It means, "In my humble opinion" you—anyway, I would have fees for planets that allow this practice, and would strictly enforce the law that says "Slavery is illegal".

_Announcer:_ Very well. Here is the last question for the night. This one comes from one of our viewers. They say, _"It seems to me Mon Mothma is the only non-evil candidate."_ What do you say to that?

_Mothma:_ While good and evil is in the eyes of the person, I would have to agree with this viewer.

_Vader:_ I am certainly not evil. Would a guy this handsome be evil? _(Flashes another smile.)_

_(More female audience members faint.)_

_Mothma:_ Your VC certainly looks evil...

_Maul:_ I am not evil. The short answer is that I'm simply misunderstood. The long answer is—

_Announcer:_ We don't have time for the long answer, Lord Maul.

_Maul:_ Damn you.

_Grievous:_ I am proud to admit that I am evil. Besides, look at me. Being evil makes you look much cooler.

_Mothma:_ And what is your definition of "cool"?

_Grievous:_ You wouldn't understand, you being a goody-two-shoes and all...

_Dooku_: I agree with General Grievous.

_Announcer:_ Now, each of you, make a closing statement so I can finally leave here with what's left of my sanity...

_Mothma:_ If you want to vote for a suspicious former terrorist and slaver, then go ahead and vote for Count Dooku. If you want to vote for a galactic seeking dominator and Sith, then go ahead and vote for Lord Vader. But if you want to vote for someone who has the true interests of the people at heart, then vote for me, Senator Mon Mothma.

_Dooku:_ Vote for Count Dooku or die.

_Vader:_ If you want change for the sake of change, whether it be bad or good, if you want slavery permanently banded, and if you want to vote for a new face, then vote for me, Anakin Vader, the only hope left for this galaxy.

_Announcer:_ Thank you candidates. And that concludes tonight's debate. Don't forget, tomorrow is the elections for Chancellor. Keep watching GNN (Galactic News Network) to see who wins. Goodnight everyone.

**This was really fun for me to write. Vote for who you want to win! Whoever has the most votes in the next few days to a week will win! I will write the chapter about who wins once the voting stops and the winner is chosen. Review and vote please!**


End file.
